Thursday, June 18, 2009

I think I'm doing this wrong...

So when I was ten years old or so, I was a playwright. I wrote a play about pilgrims and indians for my cousins and sister to perform on Thanksgiving. Now let's just excuse the patriarchal overtones of the condescending pilgrims and the vulnerable, grateful indians. I was ten, people! In fact, what I remember best about the actual performance of my play, which took place at the country club my family attended, (somehow talking about pilgrims and indians at a posh country club seems particularly dissonant to my adult self but anyhoo...) is that it had a lot of movement (I picture about twelve pre-teens shuffling around with "scripts" of spiral-bound notebook paper, patiently taking my fervent hissed and whispered direction - "no! over THERE!") and I had no self-consciousness about the whole thing at all. Brilliant disaster, indeed.

Then as a teen, that self-consciousness crept in, but truly, how could it have been stopped? The two go together like milk and cookies. So while I recognized that I wanted to keep a journal, I was constantly stopping because I was certain that I was not writing for myself, but rather for the fans that would ultimately unearth my insightful teenage memoirs years and years after my death. I know it's folly, but I'm just telling you how it was. I have a friend from college who has successfully kept a daily journal since he was a sophomore in high school. How envious I am of him, for his discipline and ability to see the bigger picture, what a treasure those are!

I think I have been plagued by the same doubts regarding any blog I would put together. As a recovering person, I am familiar with the phrase, "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" and that describes me to a T! I have interest in so many blogs that are out there, but I am not a mommy, I am not a chef, my life is a series of projects with loose ends and I can't imagine that anyone would want to read the musings of a daft individual like myself.

I have been getting some mentorship from a dear family member whose friendship and companionship has been so valuable to me throughout my whole life and specifically about my on-line persona. She has navigated the blogger waters and has carved quite a comfortable space for herself in this world. I admire her because she has a terrific, strong voice that I'd not heard before, but that I never doubted was there. She tells me, "You've gotta get blogging!" We are going to BlogHer together and I want to have some roots put down for myself in this world.

So I expect you will be hearing more from me, I just don't know what I will be saying yet.